Spineless Defiance

And so what if I loved your father
Until he fed me concrete
Learned to dislocate shoulder blades at will
Giving flight to punishment.
- to forgive tears lost in swollen eyes
Turning his fist and my skin
Into unanimous symbols
Of unconditional faith
Because
Somewhere beneath
The wild eye
The blood of brow
The crush of pelvis
The tender meat
Hid - the sweetest words
Ever told to me.

Somewhere between
The grunts of rape
Pillows smothered over face
Fingers extended towards
Solemn faces reflected
In shamed mirrors,
Rage for the fat.
For the loss.
For the shame.
He came
Arms raising skyscrapers I had never met
Promising that angels also break
Only to create
Another place
Another day
Closer to god.

And so what if I stayed
While jail time released purgatories
And I became known
As the woman who
Runs barefoot in back alleys after midnight
And the only restraining orders we kept
Where those of my self respect
And his self restraint

I loved,
The Canaan and Abel kind of love
Bleeding from back ends
Just to rearrange order
Insisting History
And misery
Where synonyms
I was spoon fed.

I loved
Daily
With sweat in baked bread
With hope in healing wounds
With my soul stuffed into his meth pipe
And you growing deep within in my womb
Or in my arms
Or at my side
Or so distant that
I couldn’t cry anymore
For you. for me. for him.
Or all the babies I had lost
When his boots

Inconveniently
Deflated me.

I stayed.
Not for anyone but me.
Insisting
This was just another piece
I could edit later.
Perform differently
Another ending
Would come
When I could think
Clearer.

Woman open your eyes wide

Look at the brand new sky

Wake up! Wake up!

Edit.
Edit.
The fucken concrete.

* inspired by the many women in my family and life who endured abuse because they knew no other language for love*